The silence keeps it easy, keeps you safe for the moment.

I'll preface this by saying it's been a while. Didn't want anyone to think I had died. So here I am, posting SOMETHING just to say I'm still here. I wrote a poem tonight in church on a topic I still struggle with. It's what my last post dealt with. It is what millions of people deal with. It is depression. Since I've already covered this subject I'll just stop writing and put my poem down for you all to read. Thanks for reading. Share the agape.

Demanding Defeat
The walls are closing in
Making it harder to breathe
Feeling trapped
Surrounded by disbelief
Heart pounding in my head
Don't know up from down
Looking for the door
But it's nowhere to be found
It's growing dark
Inside this room
I being to pray
This will all end soon
But my lungs grow tighter
My head feels faint
The enemy grows near
And run, I can't
I hear the slither
I feel the chill
The dreaded fear
Chokes out my will
That first small touch
Upon my feet
As it begins to climb
Demanding defeat
I fall to my knees
Screaming it leave
But that devil depression
Silences my pleas.

The frustrations of this life are filling her head How could such a simple thing have a grip so intense She cries out She cries out

Depression. 

The feeling that no one cares. The desire to just feel loved. Silently screaming out for someone to take notice of the fact that you are hurting. Wondering why you constantly feel so incredibly alone...

You are not alone. I am dealing with depression even now as I write this post. That's not something I usually tell people. Only a couple of people who are incredibly close to me know. It is a struggle every single day and in no way is it easy. You can determine that tomorrow will be different, brighter, but then tomorrow comes and you have no desire to improve. You look around and ask yourself, "Doesn't anyone see me hurting? Can't anyone tell that I'm going through something over here? Am I invisible?!" You paint on a smile because you are afraid to voice the truth about what you are going through for fear of what might be said and what might be asked. People don't always understand and end up saying stupid and hurtful things due to their ignorance. This post is to inform. I didn't choose this. I don't know why anyone would choose this. No one does choose this. I want to feel complete inside, to feel happy with my life. I don't want to feel like I have to keep searching when I know what it is that I need. I just want someone to listen, to hold me while I pour my heart out, to NOT tell me that everything is going to be okay, to simply be there. Finding support is hard when you just want to be left alone. At the same time, you slowly come to the realization that you are just letting precious time slip through your hands. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day fades away and becomes a blur. Time becomes a thing of the past. All you know is where you are now. I WANT TO GET OUT out of this pit, I NEED ROOM to breathe. PLEASE HEAR ME CRYING OUT!!! I need to be set free from whatever it is that has crept in and wrapped its fingers around my soul, my heart, my mind, and my emotions. Even pain begins to feel good because at least it means you are feeling something. That is what I yearn for the most, to feel. Every day becomes a ritual of going through the motions and trying to keep the pain inside. But then the pain becomes too much to bear and overflows to a thin red line on your arm, and then another, and another until you finally feel a release. The inability to control your own emotions leads to the extreme control of other areas of your life, to a point that is not healthy. "I don't need to eat that. I can do without. I could stand to lose a little weight, then maybe I'll feel better about myself." I'm so tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of trying, exhausted by the constant effort it takes to keep this false front up. If I let my wall down, will you hurl things at me, things that will hurt? I feel safe in this fortress I have built around me, alone, but safe. Do I dare let you in? Will you try to change my interior? Do I get a say anymore if I open the door? So much uncertainty, so much insecurity, so much unnecessary fear... why can't everything be balanced? Only God knows. I just want my life back. Help me. I need you. Don't stand by and watch me drown. 

-According to the Washington University St. Louis School of Medicine's Department of Psychiatry -

Depression is a whole body illness that affects a person's physical health as well as how he or she feels, thinks, and behaves towards others.  In addition, a person who suffers from this disorder may have problems eating, sleeping, working, and getting along with his/her friends. 

Specifically, clinical depression is a persistent, depressed mood that is often characterized by feelings of sadness or emptiness.  People who have depression, or more formally, Major Depressive Disorder, experience at least five of the following symptoms, nearly every day, for a period of at least two weeks:

	Sad, low, empty, depressed mood
	Loss of interest of pleasure in nearly all activities
	Feelings of worthlessness, or guilt
	Difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
	Decreased energy, fatigue, and feeling "slowed down"
	Changes in appetite and/or weight
	Oversleeping, early-morning awakening, or insomnia
	Thoughts of death, suicide, plans or attempts

These episodes are also accompanied by clinically significant distress, or impairment (interference) in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.  If impairment is severe, the person might lose the ability to function socially or occupationally.

	Of the estimated 17.5 million Americans who are affected by some form of depression, 9.2 million have major or clinical depression
	Two-thirds of people suffering from depression do not seek necessary treatment
	80% of all people with clinical depression who have received treatment significantly improve their lives
	The economic cost of depression is estimated at $30.4 billion a year but the cost in human suffering cannot be estimated
	Women experience depression about twice as often as men
	By the year 2020, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that depression will be the number two cause of "lost years of healthy life" worldwide
	According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suicide was the ninth leading cause of death in the United States in 1996
	Major Depression is 1.5-3.0 times more common among first-degree biological relatives of those with the disorder than among the general population What are some of the indicators of depression?                                          The individual wonders if they will ever be happy again. They notice that they have lost energy and that very few things excite, or even interest them. The worst part is that they do not know why they feel so sad. They just feel like a black cloud is around them. As a result, all they might want to do is sit around and do nothing.  In the secret of their heart they sometimes wish they could go to sleep at night and never wake up. Even though people try to encourage them and ask them to do things with them, they typically refuse and just spend more and more time alone. In addition to feeling down much of the time, they lose patience with their friends and parents. They seem to snap over the smallest things, which only leads to more feelings of guilt and sadness. What should a person do if they feel depressed? 1. Talk to someone about their feelings. Find a friend or a trusted adult (such as a teacher, counselor, pastor, or parent of a friend) to tell them how they feel. 2. They should  be aware that depression causes them to think thoughts that they would not normally think. Often these are negative thoughts about themselves which are not true. It is important for them to focus on what they know to be true, not only on what they feel. 3. Eating healthy, sleeping enough (but not too much), and exercising are important for them during this time. Depression often affects each of these so they will need to work hard to keep these in check. 4. The need to avoid the temptation to be alone most of the time. Their friends and family can be a huge help to them during this time. They cannot expect their family to fully understand the depression, but remain aware of their efforts to help and allow them to show care and concern 5. They need to consider making an appointment with a medical doctor. Since depression is often related to chemical imbalance it can be treated with medication. 6. They need to consider making an appointment with a professional counselor or licensed social worker. These people are trained to help people deal with life issues that may be related to depression. They will also be helpful in giving some coping skills to deal with the depression. 7. They should be aware that thoughts of suicide often come with feelings of depression. If they begin to experience thoughts of suicide talk to someone about the thoughts immediately.  (excerpts from  http://www.thehopeline.com/wikis/depression/default.aspx)  Some links to websites that I am finding to be helpful in overcoming this: http://www.thehopeline.com/wikis/  http://mybrokenpalace.com/index.php  Songs that I have been listening to lately: She Cries Out - Kutless http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOAOAqGu29U  All Around Me - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl1AXYOseuY Watch Me Bleed - Scary Kids Scaring Kids http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS7OQ4rSudM  Much Like Falling - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZgwT0j8fMU  Drowning - Scary Kids Scaring Kids http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nalzHc1QLB0 It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFcDhj-E3po Fully Alive - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5hwNhzMFgc I'm So Sick - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlCwgfPqNGw Courage - Superchick http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW9UHJVMbsY Red Sam - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkLZqUagF9c Have We Lost - Flyleaf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06hCYtgomEc Wish You Well - Thousand Foot Krutch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjN_I5iVxrI Not Alone - Red http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ODDtLMiGnY

It hasn't always been this way. I remember brighter days, Before the dark ones came, Stole my mind, Wrapped my soul in chains...

I am so happy right now. Happier than I have been in quite some time. The cloud of depression has finally been lifted from me and I am beginning to see the path in front of me. God is so good and I have been through a lot in the past year, but I am an over-comer because of the One that I rely on Who gives me strength to face each day. You live and you learn, and then you look back and wish you had listened. Why are we as youth so stubborn and eager to make mistakes? It is really quite foolish. God puts wise people in our lives for a reason, as an example. Take heed lest ye fall. It is quite true that the older you are the more wise you become. Our elders have lived life and gained experience in things that we have yet come to realize. Life is uncertain, and uncertainty scares me, but I am not on this voyage alone. I have an amazing Navigator, Who has given me a road map to success and a gps to direct me to where exactly it is that He wants me to be. I have been walking through life blindfolded, allowing others to lead me, but they too are blinded. I have finally become tired of feeling lost in the darkness and ripped off my blindfold in order to see the light. Although I can now see, there are still chains weighing me down and holding me back from reaching my full potential. I must trust God to set me free from each and every fleshly burden and desire. He is doing it, and it is not easy, but the freedom that it brings is a feeling that cannot be easily described using words. The air around me is lighter somehow and there is an inner peace that trusting fully in God brings to your life. God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!!!
Trust Him.

Set Me Free - Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRtN0MMJYzw

Psalm 32:8-9 (NLT)

The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
      I will advise you and watch over you.
Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
      that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”

Psalm 56:3 (NLT)

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.

Psalm 56:11, 13 (KJV)

In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me.
      For thou hast delivered my soul from death: wilt not thou deliver my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of the living?

Psalm 61:1-4 (NASB)

Hear my cry, O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For You have been a refuge for me,
A tower of strength against the enemy.
Let me dwell in Your tent forever;
Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.
                       Selah.

Psalm 62:5-8 (MSG)

God, the one and only—
      I'll wait as long as he says.
   Everything I hope for comes from him,
      so why not?
   He's solid rock under my feet,
      breathing room for my soul,
   An impregnable castle:
      I'm set for life.

My help and glory are in God
      —granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
   So trust him absolutely, people;
      lay your lives on the line for him.
      God is a safe place to be.

Cause you take away, please take away my pain. And I need this change, things won't ever be the same.

Hello world. It's me. Who am I? I am one, one person who has the ability to do great things. The only thing that can hold me back is myself. Possibly the only thing holding you back is yourself. Every one of us has incredible God-given potential. We each are able to change the world around us in some way or another. I know sometimes it feels impossible, especially when we have a hard enough time changing ourselves. This has been a real struggle for me. How am I supposed to help others when I can't even help myself? You feel alone, weak, hopeless, unable to make a difference, lost with no direction. This is because WE CAN'T DO THINGS ON OUR OWN! We have always needed someone or something else. If you want to go somewhere, you look for a map and a way to get there. If you're hungry, you look for food. If you want to feel loved, you look for someone to give you the love you long for. If you fall down, you look for a hand to help you back up. Face it folks, we are always looking. Why? Because we know we need help. We just don't always know where to look for it. Well I've found the best source for the help that I need. There is only One who will always listen to me and my problems and difficulties without me feeling judged. There is only One who truly understands what I'm going through and cares about every part of my life. There is only One who ever let His Son be brutally murdered because of the fact that I am a sinner and loves me too much to leave me in my sin. He is God. He is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. He is my source of strength when I feel like I can't carry on. He is who I look to for direction when I have no idea which way to turn. He is the One that I cry out to when I am feeling so alone and in need of love. He has promised to NEVER leave me. (Hebrews 13:5) When all else feels hopeless and you feel that you've fallen too far from grace, when you fall into a state of depression and discontentment with your life, when you begin to search for love in all the wrong places, when you try to fill your emptiness with material things that don't mean anything... God is there. He is simply waiting and crying out for you to return to Him. It hurts Him to see His children hurt. He loves us and wants what's best for us!!! We must sweep away the dark shadows that have crept in and seek out the light, before it is too late. We never know how long we have and we must make the most of our time that God has given us. Don't allow yourself to become numb to and distant from God's unending, unconditional love. He loves you no matter how many times you fall... we all fall, again and again. But it says in God's love letter to us, the Bible, "Though  he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand." (Psalm 37:24) God will always help you back up, all you need to do is ask. Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you. Your walk with God is a relationship, and like any other, you have to work at it every single day. I encourage you to press into God, seek His face, and put Him first in everything you do. God Bless.

I've had this song on replay all day... I hope it touches your life as much as it is touching mine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQcW3UnYGO4

We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine; But we've wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne.

It is the first day of 2012 and might I say I hope this is not a sign of what the rest of my year will be like. I woke up at 7 am and headed off to work with a sore throat. I worked from 7:30 this morning until 4:30 in the afternoon. If that wasn't unfortunate enough with it being New Year's Day and all, I developed a head cold that grew worse throughout the day. As a result, as soon as I got home I took some cough medicine and vitamin C and went to sleep for roughly four hours. I wish my sleep was deep and not filled with so many strange dreams with the most random (and I mean random) people ever. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow so I can work on getting things ready for my boyfriend who is coming to visit for a week. Oh yeah by the way it snowed today! There were big pretty snowflakes coming down and it actually smelled like winter for once. I missed not having a white Christmas... it felt incredibly wrong. I feel like this has been a slightly depressing post, so let me tell you the one highlight of my day. I waited on a table of 13 at work: 6 adults and 7 adorable little girls wearing New Year's tiaras. Right before they were about to leave, 2 of the youngest girls came up and asked me, "Can I have your autograph?" So, I signed right next to my picture on our special Christmas place-mats, and needless to say it felt amazing. Making their day is what made my day just a little bit better. I have nothing more to say. Good night.